Caught In The Very Act...And Killed

Good day people.

 

I woke up this (fateful) morning with the intention of going through my normal routine and leaving home as quickly as possible. As I made my way to the kitchen to pack the meal I made last night, I thought I saw a strange sight.

 

I quickly focused the torchlight and lo, it was a very strange sight...two beings locked together as one, oblivious to their surroundings. My first thought was to ignore them and mind my own business, I was running late...

 

I thought of the potential implications of ignoring what I'd seen...Do I want my child exposed to the potential effects of this strangeness? What if there are some spiritual issues that could arise from ignoring them? I quickly concluded that they had to die! I made my way to the kitchen and found the perfect weapon...

 

I went back and still found them in the same position when I returned. I tried to find a position where I could eliminate them both with one blow. Not trusting myself to be able to achieve that, I called for help...

 

After explaining what I saw and what I needed, she dragged herself out of bed. I gave her the weapon and in one deft move, they came tumbling down! Then I asked her "Wetin them dey do?" And she replied "Dem dey make love na" in a matter-of-factly tone.

 

Wait, what did you think I was talking about? I caught 2 cockroaches making love on a wall in my house and I convinced the nanny to help me kill them with the perfect weapon - a broom from the kitchen...

 

I found one lone cockroach a few meters away and I wondered if it was a rejected lover that wished one or both of the cockroaches dead? Anyway, those two should have been more discreet na. I mean, even when they fell, they did not come apart. Weird stuff!

 

Besides, I didn't see any sign of being married. So, who knows if it's the prayer of the cheated spouse against strange men/women that caught up with them? I don't run a brothel, people...

 

My concern now is this - it seems their relatives are after me! I could have sworn I saw the next cockroach giving me an evil eye...Well, I need to get them before they get me! Fumigation coming up next...

 

If you enjoyed this, please share and spread some cheer. Enjoy the day.

Proper Anger Management

Today was one of those meeting filled days. I had to struggle to have lunch but hey, that's where the bill money comes from for now.

 At one of the meetings, there were 3 guys that I really really felt like yelling at...I mean I felt like asking them to keep quiet. They were going off-topic and taking their time (and ours) to say irrelevant stuff at the expense of the really important stuff we had to discuss. Thankfully, I wasn't in charge of the meeting.

 So, I decided to take charge of my life...

I decided to draw an arrow directed at the faces of each of them every time I felt like yelling...It felt so good, lol. I even threw in a picture of the one lady that said something really really sensible. I drew an arrow AWAY from her face, lol.

 You should try it sometime; I'm still relishing the thought.

Lagos on a Monday – Public Transport Stories Week 3

Our Lagos on a Monday – Public Transport Stories continues. Please search for Weeks 1 and 2 on the blog.

 

I had some business to attend to so I left home a little later. There were 2 women with kids in the "Keke" (tricycle) I boarded out of the Estate. One of the ladies was holding an infant. It appears that they had agreed with the driver to take them to exactly where they were going. Apparently, because I was in the "Keke", the driver asked them to come off at the junction so he could get me to where I was going. That would have meant an unplanned walk for the women with the kids. I quickly asked the driver to drop me off instead and take the ladies to where they were going. Even if I sound somehow, I can tell you that the decision felt GOOD! Lol.

I quickly found a vehicle to get me to my destination in no time...

 

As I was in the bus heading to toll gate, we found ourselves in one weird traffic jam like that. The driver started honking at the LASTMA officials that were trying to maintain order. A woman in the bus advised the driver to stop honking as the LASTMA official could misinterpret and keep us waiting for long (typical response for people from her part of the country, fear fear, lol). Thankfully, the reverse happened in our case. The honking pressured the LASTMA officials into 'passing' us.

 

The 'conductor' (I don't know the proper title) was already showing signs of being a trouble maker. So, I asked him to give me my "change" (balance) before I'll pay him, though I showed him my 500 Naira. He made some noise asking me to give him the money before demanding for the balance. The ride continued smoothly for a while then I remembered that I hadn't paid my fare. I reminded the conductor and we started our squabble all over again. I was quite irritated at the judgment of some passengers.

 

"Just give him the money and he'll give you change, you sef like trouble", they 'counseled'. Of course, I did no such thing...I finally alighted and the conductor wanted to make a scene. I did small 'shakara', though I was praying internally that things won't turn ugly. After telling the conductor that I was not hurrying anywhere and with the intervention of others, he gave me the balance and I paid him.

One of the two male passengers that came down to give the conductor some moral support apparently didn't see my wedding ring. He claimed that my attitude was the reason why I was unmarried. I quickly showed him my ring and he was lost for words...Seriously, that was the worst insult he could think of? Shaking my head!

 

The rest of the journey was uneventful thankfully (?)

 

Enjoy the week ahead!

Things I don't believe I'll ever get used to

1. People that make comments like "What of men/women that do XYZ?" when a post addresses weaknesses usually observed in their gender. Really, can't you keep quiet and reflect FOR ONCE?
2. Those funny posts that encourage women to keep trying to make their men faithful or to keep enduring abuse because women supposedly have more grace/resilience than men.
3. The lie that in Africa, discretion and wisdom cannot keep a man from the strange woman.
4. The evil some "virtuous" women have no qualms perpetuating to 'keep' their marriage. Remember Sapphira...
5. The NONSENSE some single ladies happily accept just so they can become "Mrs Somebody"
6. The funny notion that being married for a certain number of years permits you to give unbiblical counsel.
7. The disdain that women who had vaginal deliveries have for women that give birth by Caesarean Section (Elective or Emergency)

Please add your own pet peeves just for the 'fun' of it. 

Tales From The Road

I had to sort out a few things at home so I'm still on the road. This dude in the bus I'm riding in is talking with someone on the phone and he claims to be on Third Mainland Bridge. I didn't know there was a filling (gas) station on Third Mainland Bridge. Smh!

Then I reminded the "conductor" about my balance when we were TRULY on Third Mainland Bridge (surrounded by water and with no bus stop). He asked me if I wanted to alight there. Then I asked him if I would jump into the water if I alighted there...Smh!

And then, there is the dude on the phone quarelling with whoever was at the other end. He is just giving us too much information. Why do people feel comfortable divulging personal information in public places? Smh!

Enjoy your day…

Lagos on a Monday – Public Transport Stories Week 2

Good day people.

Our public transport adventures continue today. As usual, I am typing this in a commercial bus on Third Mainland Bridge.

As I stepped out this morning, I saw 2 guys that were acting suspiciously. I greeted them and they didn't respond. Ah! I quickly intensified my walk. At some point, I felt one of them was trying to catch up with me so I walked even faster. I eventually met up with a crowd and all was clear. I think I've seen too many thrillers, what do you think? Lol.

Anyway, I got to Berger with no drama except for a man that was either half-asleep or drunk that we almost hit. My mum will say that it seems someone told him that the stuff in cars that causes injury has been removed. Thankfully, the driver saw him in time and avoided hitting him.

The driver was moving the vehicle and looking back at the half-asleep/drunk dude. I quickly told the driver to 'face front'. It struck me that that's how some people live their lives stuck in their past and though they appear to be making progress, their hearts/minds are cluttered.

As I got to Berger, I realised that the evil hole in the sidewalk has increased to 3 with nothing to protect unsuspecting pedestrians...It is well ooo.

I'll be happy to report to the appropriate authorities if I knew how to.

I got to the BRT terminal and found an ungodly queue. If I waited there, I suspected that I would spend nothing less than 3 hours before I could board a bus. I quickly advised myself and boarded a yellow bus instead. The bus I boarded charged 150 Naira instead of 100 Naira, just like the problematic one I joined last week. I warned the driver and conductor that they would face the same problems but they ignored the words of the "Prophetess"...Lol.

As we journeyed on Third Mainland Bridge, the vehicle suddenly stopped just as the "Prophetess" said (oya drop your offering, lol). Seriously, I realised that I had spoken carelessly and I quickly asked for forgiveness and asked for mercy. Not long after, the bus came back to life and we continued our journey. I am closer now to the office than when I first began...I shall use my "Prophetess" power to pray that the appropriate authorities will wake up and close the holes in the sidewalk on the way to the BRT terminal at Berger...I can't believe no one has fallen into any of them yet. I can tell you, though, that if nothing is done urgently, someone will fall in and seriously injure themselves...I hope our "responsive" government will address this. I feel even more passionate about it as I see a poster of someone promising a clean and secure environment! Please fix the deep holes in our walkway...Thanks.

Enjoy the day...

Lagos on a Monday – Public Transport Stories

Good day people.

I usually have to travel on Mondays using the public transport system and today was not an exception. You want to know why? We can talk about that privately. As I was riding, I decided to start blogging about it. I hope you enjoy my stories. As weird as they sound, they are actually true. I’ll be using the hashtag #LagosOnAMonday

I set out a little later than normal today as I had to confirm that I was really good to go so I was already running late as I went. As I approached the bus stop, I saw my former regular ‘Keke’ (Tricycle) driver. I was going to join him but I found a bike. I hope to blog about the interesting episodes I had with that Baba sometime.

 Anyway, I got to the major bus stop without drama and found that the regular buses I join were not available. So, I had to break my journey. I didn’t even consider boarding a BRT bus because I am utterly disappointed in the flagrant disrespect of time by the BRT operators. I finally boarded the bus that inspired the post. The driver insisted that the fare was 150 Naira. One man joined us and started complaining about how the fare should have been 100 Naira. We finally settled on the 150 Naira. As the journey progressed, we met some passengers that also protested the fare but they eventually left the matter. As we continued the journey, the driver tried to cram 5 people in a row. We protested and won that battle, lol.

As we continued the journey, I gave the ad-hoc “conductor” a 1000 Naira bill for 4 people. I asked him to give me 600 Naira (a 500 Naira bill and a 100 Naira bill) as I give him a 200 Naira bill. The 500 Naira bills and 100 Naira bills are easier to get than the 200 Naira bills. The dude didn’t get it! I still don’t get how he didn’t get it but he just did not! Smh!

Then, the bus started acting up. Some dudes had joined the bus after the bus they were in developed a fault. I began to wonder if those people were the bad luck sef *looking at them one kain*. Anyway, I sent a quick prayer up to God to help us because I didn’t want to be standing on Third Mainland Bridge looking for a bus when I was already one hour late. Thankfully, God heard the prayer and the bus finally behaved. As we got to Obalende, the bus driver went through a more annoying route just to drop off his adhoc “conductor”. Apparently some of the guys that joined us from the other bus were royally pissed off. One of them even prayed for (or is it cursed?) the driver that God will delay his progress the way the driver delayed us. You go fear prayer na. As usual, the driver had stopped off at a filling station to fill his tank AFTER picking up passengers. Any sensible reason why these guys do that? Smh!

As I alighted from that bus and was going to get a bus to my final destination, I caught a bus driver checking himself out in a mirror and touching up his ‘make-up’. I know it seems weird but I saw it with my own eyes, lol.

I boarded a bus and as I brought out my money to pay, one aunty practically snatched the money from my hand to help me pay the fare. I almost said something nasty but I figured out she was just being helpful. I thanked her instead. I’ve got to ask, though, WHY DO LADIES FIX CLAWS AND CALL THEM NAILS? The lady couldn’t even ping well…It is well…

Then I got to my drop-off point and nearly forgot my 50 Naira “change” (It’s not the political one oo, lol). I quickly reminded him and used it when I paid my ‘Keke’ fare to the final destination.

Stay tuned for another #LagosOnAMonday post next week, by God’s grace.

Have a pleasurable day.

Rantings of a Disenfranchised Voter

So, I can't vote in the 2015 Nigerian elections. *almost sad face*. Well, I'll look on the bright side AFTER my rant!

I actually voted in the 2011 elections. Don't ask who I voted for and I won't tell, lol. I have a Permanent Voter's Card but I can't use it. "Why?", you may ask.

I'm glad you did. I have moved from where I registered in 2011. I don't believe that is too hard to foresee. Or is it? I kept shouting and crying about my 'condition' until a concerned party led me to INEC's guidelines on the "Transfer of Wards".

According to the guidelines, I was to write to the State Resident Electoral Commissioner (REC) requesting for the transfer. The letter was to be submitted at least 30 days before the election I wish to participate in. The letter could be submitted in the INEC office around the ward I wish to be transferred to.

I quickly drafted the letter and made the necessary arrangements as I still had enough time (or so I thought). You can imagine how amazed I was to be told that INEC is no longer attending to transfers but that I can check back after the elections. Hmmm. I raised this issue with the person that led me to the guidelines. He said they had raised the issue with INEC and the explanation INEC gave was that INEC expects all matters related to transfers to have been completed 30 days before the elections as they are required to publish the list of registered voters in each polling unit at least 30 days before the elections.

We went on to discuss why the PVC couldn't be configured to work in any polling unit and then have a security feature that limits the number of times it can be used on Election Day. I hope INEC takes these recommendations on board for future elections

Someone suggested that I lodge in a hotel around the polling unit where I am registered so that I can vote. Erm, I'm not passionate enough about any of the parties to incur those additional expenses, though I would have voted for one of them, if it wasn't going to be such an expensive venture. I've resolved to pray and share as much SENSIBLE information as I can concerning the elections. I pray the dates remain unchanged so that all the campaign drama, lies, propaganda and traffic jams can come to an end.

If you have a useful PVC, please vote wisely. Don't engage in violence, stick to the rules. If it is safe to do so, record any evidence of electoral malpractices and share with any of the media outlets you can, including social media.

I pray that as #NigeriaDecides this month, we will allow God lead us to elect leaders that will make themselves available to build a nation where peace, prosperity and justice shall reign.